Here I am at 4am wide awake, reminiscing on past events, mistakes and lessons learnt. It's 4 more days to my flight and exactly a week to my birthday. Which is always a reason for me to brood and mope about things. But not this year. [ i pray]
It is certainly a milestone to celebrate. I've come so far from surviving life's worse battles and closing off the scars and chapters that come with them. What with ending of friendships, relationships, family ties, left homeless and jobless and broke with no change given. Phew.. who am I to complain? Those are life's most important lessons even how much i wish I was another person, another girl belonging to another family. There are always people worse off than me, i always tell myself.
I've seen the bigger picture of my life. I cannot depend on anyone but myself; for success as well as happiness. No one is gonna take care of me except for myself. That's the truth about life.
I love my family more than life itself even though they weren't that supportive in most of my decisions. I accept that because nothing can change how i feel about them. It is where I belong.
I could have loads of friends. [from the fag groups, to the zoolanders to the bloggers]I'm a people-magnet to be frank but those past events left me with such a distrust towards the human race that Im really happier, left alone. Anyone who tries to get too close, would be automatically be closed off from my world. Those who are patient to wait and see who I am beneath that fun-loving exterior .. are the ones who are true to me.
I am not a lazy person. Truth be told; i have big dreams and expectations about myself. I want to be a photographer, dabbling in the arts and making my mark in the world. My expectations are so high that I have given up on life at some point in time. Like everyone else, I need time to heal. Yes, I am a hippie at this moment but give me more time to figure things out, to heal and to mend. Don't expect me to jump and bounce off that fast. I am not that sort of person.
So there u go; my thoughts on the different aspects of my life. And yes - My 26th birthday wish is to lead a simple life. No complications, no distractions. Depending on only myself to get my own happy ending. Whatever it may be.
Happy birthday, mira.
Oct 6, 2009
Sep 28, 2009
If I disappear.
It's often too late to reconcile, myself from the history i have left, never in any regret for anything; No - "perhaps it could be different"; nor "if i did this, everything would have been better".
Now, everything is as it should be, and it has always been as it should have been.
I remember Steve Jobs, speaking clearly on aging and being older; that one connects the dots of the seemingly in-congruent choices, radical osmosis of youthful exuberance, of near death experiences and most importantly - really stupid financial decisions. All of which accumulates and is the sum of your present perfect situation.
Looking back at my insignificant time here on earth (26 years is really a short timeline in the grand scheme of the universe) i am no different from when i started this adventure, i still cry, poop and eat... But everything else is different. I think it was Heidegger who said the eyes are the window of a Man's soul, i don't know if that is true, but when i look into the eyes of the many people I've had the privilege of coming into contact with, i see a brightness, even the dark ones who live in romantic tragedy. They all have that same glow, just like the day they were born.
People intrigue me, they always have. I remember when i was a child, i used to just sit in silence and watch people. I didn't say a word to anyone, i would just look at them. That unnerved a lot of the adults and I always wondered why. The call to question existence and everything in it, took over my life when i was in college, and that kinda got me in immense trouble with the teachers. I just couldn't buy the notion that numbers on a certificate, would dictate my life's direction. It seemed stupid at the time, and really,.... it still does.
A measure of a man lives is in his ability to create, not in his ability to regurgitate information. That shaped how i would lead my life. Of course i was not able to comprehend life then as i do now, but i made choices that were fascinating and enriching to me, even if it got me into trouble in this society i live in. The trouble, simply fueled my passion to philosophize further and dwell into spaces my peers never touch nor knew about.
Outcast and misunderstood, i loved my journey of solitude; the days i spent in parks by myself, not going home, but were the happiest days i can remember. The vast amount of time spent on thinking and writing, were invaluable. Looking back, I could have got a job, done more school work, made more money, spending time being a hobo taught me more, then any class or course.
Now, life is clear, my direction is paved and my visions are slowly but surely crystallizing. I've stepped on toes, broke countless promises and disappointed too many people, in this journey, and i know that hampered many things, and for that i am sorry. Cause the fear of expressing my wisdom, and relying on self will were battles i lost daily. The repercussions of which are still echoing in my life of which i embrace, surrendering to karma.
But today, i experienced the uncanny sensation of looking at my own eyes, and seeing for the first time, a child. Observing her, and a-washed of feelings of being under my favourite tree, notepad in hand, and a smile on my face. Today i died, as i will tomorrow, and the day after. No different from the day i started to the day i end.
It's all good.
Now, everything is as it should be, and it has always been as it should have been.
I remember Steve Jobs, speaking clearly on aging and being older; that one connects the dots of the seemingly in-congruent choices, radical osmosis of youthful exuberance, of near death experiences and most importantly - really stupid financial decisions. All of which accumulates and is the sum of your present perfect situation.
Looking back at my insignificant time here on earth (26 years is really a short timeline in the grand scheme of the universe) i am no different from when i started this adventure, i still cry, poop and eat... But everything else is different. I think it was Heidegger who said the eyes are the window of a Man's soul, i don't know if that is true, but when i look into the eyes of the many people I've had the privilege of coming into contact with, i see a brightness, even the dark ones who live in romantic tragedy. They all have that same glow, just like the day they were born.
People intrigue me, they always have. I remember when i was a child, i used to just sit in silence and watch people. I didn't say a word to anyone, i would just look at them. That unnerved a lot of the adults and I always wondered why. The call to question existence and everything in it, took over my life when i was in college, and that kinda got me in immense trouble with the teachers. I just couldn't buy the notion that numbers on a certificate, would dictate my life's direction. It seemed stupid at the time, and really,.... it still does.
A measure of a man lives is in his ability to create, not in his ability to regurgitate information. That shaped how i would lead my life. Of course i was not able to comprehend life then as i do now, but i made choices that were fascinating and enriching to me, even if it got me into trouble in this society i live in. The trouble, simply fueled my passion to philosophize further and dwell into spaces my peers never touch nor knew about.
Outcast and misunderstood, i loved my journey of solitude; the days i spent in parks by myself, not going home, but were the happiest days i can remember. The vast amount of time spent on thinking and writing, were invaluable. Looking back, I could have got a job, done more school work, made more money, spending time being a hobo taught me more, then any class or course.
Now, life is clear, my direction is paved and my visions are slowly but surely crystallizing. I've stepped on toes, broke countless promises and disappointed too many people, in this journey, and i know that hampered many things, and for that i am sorry. Cause the fear of expressing my wisdom, and relying on self will were battles i lost daily. The repercussions of which are still echoing in my life of which i embrace, surrendering to karma.
But today, i experienced the uncanny sensation of looking at my own eyes, and seeing for the first time, a child. Observing her, and a-washed of feelings of being under my favourite tree, notepad in hand, and a smile on my face. Today i died, as i will tomorrow, and the day after. No different from the day i started to the day i end.
It's all good.
[Goals and Targets]
I'm a spontaneous creature, i admit. To the point of being rather unpredictable [laughs] but i also love making plans at times. Just to keep track of things, u know.. because I can get lost in my own world for a long period of time and that's scary if you know, how it works. So, here's a plan of some sort as i muddle thru my mid- twenties:
- Get back to school.
If you asked me; photography and being creative is what makes me tick for as long as i can remember. So yeh. Back to school of photography. For the kicks. For the joy of it. Because Learning is never-ending and makes me happy.
- Maintain weight.
I know i can never be stick-thin ( I don't like that look anyway) But I have to constantly swim cycle, doing crunches and climbing the stairs. [ hell yeah i exercise 5 times a week okay!]
- Maintaining my health
I'm not really a healthy person, what with the low blood, aches here and there. [sighs] I'm constantly popping Vitamin C and E, Drinking tea, detoxing myself and eating less of those sinful foods. So yeah, this is to remind myself.
- Reading up more
Knowledge is power. Enough said.
- Travel like a gypsy.
I have plans to visit Turkey. Rome. France. Scotland. India and perhaps Japan. Yeah, I can get ambitous like that but it's good to dream, i say.
-DIY
Paint.cook.photography.draw.jewellery.sing
Because I am good at that. HAHA.
- Pull myself back at the seams
I'm never good at any relationships. Friendships. Or whatever it is called. I'm constantly leaving people [ or vice versa] because I'm never good at trusting or getting back when people called. Things like that. I live in my world, my private world a lot. I won't promise to change that even though i know it is unhealthy. But I'm trying to make myself a whole person. =)
So there you are.. my long term goals and targets. Short and simple. I can do it. JIA YOU!
- Get back to school.
If you asked me; photography and being creative is what makes me tick for as long as i can remember. So yeh. Back to school of photography. For the kicks. For the joy of it. Because Learning is never-ending and makes me happy.
- Maintain weight.
I know i can never be stick-thin ( I don't like that look anyway) But I have to constantly swim cycle, doing crunches and climbing the stairs. [ hell yeah i exercise 5 times a week okay!]
- Maintaining my health
I'm not really a healthy person, what with the low blood, aches here and there. [sighs] I'm constantly popping Vitamin C and E, Drinking tea, detoxing myself and eating less of those sinful foods. So yeah, this is to remind myself.
- Reading up more
Knowledge is power. Enough said.
- Travel like a gypsy.
I have plans to visit Turkey. Rome. France. Scotland. India and perhaps Japan. Yeah, I can get ambitous like that but it's good to dream, i say.
-DIY
Paint.cook.photography.draw.jewellery.sing
Because I am good at that. HAHA.
- Pull myself back at the seams
I'm never good at any relationships. Friendships. Or whatever it is called. I'm constantly leaving people [ or vice versa] because I'm never good at trusting or getting back when people called. Things like that. I live in my world, my private world a lot. I won't promise to change that even though i know it is unhealthy. But I'm trying to make myself a whole person. =)
So there you are.. my long term goals and targets. Short and simple. I can do it. JIA YOU!
Sep 25, 2009
Tonight, oh tonight..
So tonight, I’m up… ALL NIGHT LONG ALL NIGHT ALL NIGHT LOOOONG *sings Lionel Richie* and my two little friends are my laptop and fan humming nearby which basically keeps me company in the dark.
I can't sleep AGAIN. What's new huh? I'm well known among friends for not sleeping at nights anyway. But I am so god-damn tired and i wish i could sleep but try as i might, i just couldn't. wtf.
Watched a flick (Phobia2) earlier in the evening with my best friend. It's supposed to be a horror flick but I actually find it laughable during certain scenes, which are made even funnier so because of the antics made by the audience during certain some oh-not-so-scary scenes. Yawn.
People always commented that It is extremely boring to watch horror flicks with me because I tend to have lack of responses or expressions! I thought i'm supposed to be concentrating on the show? Where got time to make faces like you guys huh? Not that I am not frightened or anything but I have this mindset that it is not real anyway, why do you have to feel afraid? Waste of my emotions only. Makes sense anot? lol.
So. I have been spending an awful lot of my time at home recently. Doing what, you may ask? Loads actually. I have been reading. painting. packing stuff. throwing stuff. facebooking. writing letters to my penpals. cooking. making jewellery.watching my stack of Dvds [ gray's anatomy, True blood, doll house ]and reading more stuff. I actually enjoyed being at home. Surprise. surprise. I thought i would have spent my vacation going out, you know.. shopping, exploring, taking photos.. you know, just out and about. But I'm an unpredictable soul.
But i'm happy. And at peace. perhaps I kept most of the skeletons in my closet, and not willing to talk about the demons there but i managed well.
I was thinking of spending my time with the people i love before i fly off soon next month..thinking of making plans to do things that are seemingly random and spontaneous.
Any ideas? I have already consulted the local singapore map. haha.
Okay, i think i have rant enough. Going to try to sleep :)
Life is indeed short. make full use of it .
I can't sleep AGAIN. What's new huh? I'm well known among friends for not sleeping at nights anyway. But I am so god-damn tired and i wish i could sleep but try as i might, i just couldn't. wtf.
Watched a flick (Phobia2) earlier in the evening with my best friend. It's supposed to be a horror flick but I actually find it laughable during certain scenes, which are made even funnier so because of the antics made by the audience during certain some oh-not-so-scary scenes. Yawn.
People always commented that It is extremely boring to watch horror flicks with me because I tend to have lack of responses or expressions! I thought i'm supposed to be concentrating on the show? Where got time to make faces like you guys huh? Not that I am not frightened or anything but I have this mindset that it is not real anyway, why do you have to feel afraid? Waste of my emotions only. Makes sense anot? lol.
So. I have been spending an awful lot of my time at home recently. Doing what, you may ask? Loads actually. I have been reading. painting. packing stuff. throwing stuff. facebooking. writing letters to my penpals. cooking. making jewellery.watching my stack of Dvds [ gray's anatomy, True blood, doll house ]and reading more stuff. I actually enjoyed being at home. Surprise. surprise. I thought i would have spent my vacation going out, you know.. shopping, exploring, taking photos.. you know, just out and about. But I'm an unpredictable soul.
But i'm happy. And at peace. perhaps I kept most of the skeletons in my closet, and not willing to talk about the demons there but i managed well.
I was thinking of spending my time with the people i love before i fly off soon next month..thinking of making plans to do things that are seemingly random and spontaneous.
Any ideas? I have already consulted the local singapore map. haha.
Okay, i think i have rant enough. Going to try to sleep :)
Life is indeed short. make full use of it .
Sep 23, 2009
Eid 2009
Is good.
I didn't hide. I didn't feel bad at all. Nor think of anything remotely bad. And I think it is a good start right?
I stuff myself with good ole rendang, lontong, sambal goreng and kuih. I cam-whore. I made myself up. I wear my baju. And i went visiting.
Heck, I even stroll for a bit at Orchard Road in my baju kurong. Had macdonald's with him.
If you asked me, I'm doing a pretty good job in moving on. Time heals, after all =)
I didn't hide. I didn't feel bad at all. Nor think of anything remotely bad. And I think it is a good start right?
I stuff myself with good ole rendang, lontong, sambal goreng and kuih. I cam-whore. I made myself up. I wear my baju. And i went visiting.
Heck, I even stroll for a bit at Orchard Road in my baju kurong. Had macdonald's with him.
If you asked me, I'm doing a pretty good job in moving on. Time heals, after all =)
P/s: This year's lebaran pictures would be private under facebook.
Sep 14, 2009
[I am free to make choices that make me feel happy]
I think i have like, officially lost the whole mojo to blog full-time on a regular basis as time goes by. Which is sad because i think it is the outlet where i express all my emotions what i can't do on humans. But I'm not that animatedly emotional now compared to the past, isn't it? I have stopped feeling [or rather, good at blocking] feelings of resentment,sadness or anything remotely depressing. I have succeeded in perfecting the art of normal human behavior. But it could also be due to cutting away those people who caused turmoils in my life? Hmmm.. I never really thought about it. But it IS possible =)
Less thinking = better sleep at night. [ Although i still sleep at ungodly hours, but that's besides the point because I could be facebooking or laughing over something stupid at supper] I don't really reminisne the past, or thinking wistfully over the many what-ifs that could happen if i didn't do this or that. Personally, I think it is all stupid and waste-of-time.
Yes, healthy dosages of emotions are good. They are what makes you human and compassionate. But what applies to other humans can't really apply to me because I can be over the edge to the point of being taken advantage of due to my vulnerability and trusting nature. Which is bad. Bad from previous lessons. And like a automatic switch, that beacon of emotions just simply switched off one day. It happens, when u received a wake up call i guess.
I don't see where this entry is heading to, when all I wanted to say is that I'm happy. And excited to be given this new chance to live life thru the eyes of another perceptive. =)
Right and so, to end this abrupt ending I have an update to make: I would be MIA from singapore from the 10th October - 24th October. MIA means No blogging and No facebooking because Shanghai, or rather China have banned all these networking websites. Hopefully, not twitter as well because I was hoping to tweet from there. [Sigh]
I will try to blog again before I leave. Till then, stay safe and healthy =)
[ Blogger still cannot upload any photos. Which is fine with me becos i seldom post up pictures of myself on my blog now, except for facebook which is private.. so yeah. But it is hard when i want to illustrate a point]
Love,
Shamira
Less thinking = better sleep at night. [ Although i still sleep at ungodly hours, but that's besides the point because I could be facebooking or laughing over something stupid at supper] I don't really reminisne the past, or thinking wistfully over the many what-ifs that could happen if i didn't do this or that. Personally, I think it is all stupid and waste-of-time.
Yes, healthy dosages of emotions are good. They are what makes you human and compassionate. But what applies to other humans can't really apply to me because I can be over the edge to the point of being taken advantage of due to my vulnerability and trusting nature. Which is bad. Bad from previous lessons. And like a automatic switch, that beacon of emotions just simply switched off one day. It happens, when u received a wake up call i guess.
I don't see where this entry is heading to, when all I wanted to say is that I'm happy. And excited to be given this new chance to live life thru the eyes of another perceptive. =)
Right and so, to end this abrupt ending I have an update to make: I would be MIA from singapore from the 10th October - 24th October. MIA means No blogging and No facebooking because Shanghai, or rather China have banned all these networking websites. Hopefully, not twitter as well because I was hoping to tweet from there. [Sigh]
I will try to blog again before I leave. Till then, stay safe and healthy =)
[ Blogger still cannot upload any photos. Which is fine with me becos i seldom post up pictures of myself on my blog now, except for facebook which is private.. so yeah. But it is hard when i want to illustrate a point]
Love,
Shamira
Aug 16, 2009
RandomUpdates
1] Having total body ache thanks to a recent cycle all the way to Vivocity from my home and back again right after recovering from a flu virus. Took a total of non-stop 8 hours. I don't think i will be doing that anytime soon -__-
2] Shanghai trip is comfirmed in october [ 1st - 14th Oct ] I cannot wait for some bonding time with joachim, shopping, photo-taking, sightseeing and most importantly, the feeling of independency because it is my very first time travelling on my own. And i hope it is off on a good start. I pray for it =)
3] Ramadhan is less than a week away. I'm glad yet, aprehensive. I don't know how I would be doing this year round but i pray that I would be more resilent, reflective and dutiful.
4] My etsy store is less than a week old but I'm glad of the sales. Gonna put up more items soon enough and make more stuff. I love what I am doing, currently =)
5] I'm gonna be a spiritual hippie. ^^
Lastly, I leave you with a quote:
''God invented the delete button 4 a reason. Nothing is permanent, everything changes, the choice is yours how you want 2 go about it."
Think about that.
2] Shanghai trip is comfirmed in october [ 1st - 14th Oct ] I cannot wait for some bonding time with joachim, shopping, photo-taking, sightseeing and most importantly, the feeling of independency because it is my very first time travelling on my own. And i hope it is off on a good start. I pray for it =)
3] Ramadhan is less than a week away. I'm glad yet, aprehensive. I don't know how I would be doing this year round but i pray that I would be more resilent, reflective and dutiful.
4] My etsy store is less than a week old but I'm glad of the sales. Gonna put up more items soon enough and make more stuff. I love what I am doing, currently =)
5] I'm gonna be a spiritual hippie. ^^
Lastly, I leave you with a quote:
''God invented the delete button 4 a reason. Nothing is permanent, everything changes, the choice is yours how you want 2 go about it."
Think about that.
Aug 3, 2009
August, finally.
First of all, WHATS UP WITH BLOGGER MAN?!~ Cannot upload pictures for the longest time ever! And i have like, things to blog! [ knn ]
Right, so I'm making things now with my rather free and quiet time - I love it - and awaiting the opening of my store but until blogger is able to do something about the damn picture uploading, I cannot show you what Im making! * in dramatic mode*
Just an update, Im exploring materials like resin, jewellery making, tote and bags as well as silk screening. I know it has been ages since I left this crafty hobby of mine high up in the shelves, but i think it is time to clean off the dust and start making things!Besides, im happy when Im busy. =)
On another note, Im no longer using my friendster account or my old number anymore so to the people who kept messaging me good nights and what nots, Im not receiving it alright? =) Sorry, but I really believe my life is much better AND peaceful with lesser people. [ a sign of old age now , haha ]The only thing active on my other accounts would only be my FACEBOOK and TWITTER and even then, i communicate when i want to. So yeah.
Gtg now. Stay in love.
Bon shamira.
Right, so I'm making things now with my rather free and quiet time - I love it - and awaiting the opening of my store but until blogger is able to do something about the damn picture uploading, I cannot show you what Im making! * in dramatic mode*
Just an update, Im exploring materials like resin, jewellery making, tote and bags as well as silk screening. I know it has been ages since I left this crafty hobby of mine high up in the shelves, but i think it is time to clean off the dust and start making things!Besides, im happy when Im busy. =)
On another note, Im no longer using my friendster account or my old number anymore so to the people who kept messaging me good nights and what nots, Im not receiving it alright? =) Sorry, but I really believe my life is much better AND peaceful with lesser people. [ a sign of old age now , haha ]The only thing active on my other accounts would only be my FACEBOOK and TWITTER and even then, i communicate when i want to. So yeah.
Gtg now. Stay in love.
Bon shamira.
Jul 27, 2009
Each person we let ourselves care about: is one more loss down the line.
Time check is 2am and I haven't really gotten to bed even though I am really exhausted. I am not sure who is reading this on-off dead blog of mine but tonight, I am gonna pretend that no one is reading because I have something to confide [alittle]to this blog of mine. [sigh]
Nothing is wrong here but i kinda feel the end year blues is creeping up on me slowly, waiting to ambush me when I least expects her arrival. And i hate it. I hate spending happy festivals with people - it kinda make my mind go blank, perhaps a reaction to avoid feeling happy during these moments, I'm not sure but I dread this feeling.
I admit i have trust issues - so deep that I can't really meet new people and letting them to know me. The real me. Because, what am i supposed to talk to them about? My family? My background? My beliefs? My incomprehensible gifts? No, It is all so taboo to me because I am looking for acceptance and understanding. People, people in general won't understand what I am going through. AND I can't afford people looking at me as though I am a nutcase. Or with pity.
I have people, whom i spend almost a decade with; my hopes, memories, happiness, confides and sorrows with,leaving me because they couldn't accept me - what hope there are for other people in general? It is scary and no,I don't trust anyone but myself. I'm sorrry if I seemed like a closed book most of the times; It is not personal but I am just protecting myself =)
There is no point to this entry - just a need to type and to let some emotions flow out of my body. I'm gonna be okay, just like what I always tell my own reflection each day.
On another note:
''If there's a crisis, you don't freeze, you move forward. You get the rest of us to move forward. Because you've seen worse. You've survived worse, and you know we'll survive too. You say you're all dark and twisty. It's not a flaw, it's a strength. It makes you who you are. I'm not gonna get down on one knee, I'm not gonna ask a question. I love you Meredith Grey, and I wanna spend the rest of my life, with you.
- If i ever find my soulmate, I will imagine him saying this line to me if he propose to me.. a line i gotten from grey's anatomy which causes all the hair on my arms to stand because only then I will know he has truly seen me not from the surface, but also deep into my eyes.
Excuse my emo-ness tonight. Hey, my blog, my say ok?
Night bloggers.
Nothing is wrong here but i kinda feel the end year blues is creeping up on me slowly, waiting to ambush me when I least expects her arrival. And i hate it. I hate spending happy festivals with people - it kinda make my mind go blank, perhaps a reaction to avoid feeling happy during these moments, I'm not sure but I dread this feeling.
I admit i have trust issues - so deep that I can't really meet new people and letting them to know me. The real me. Because, what am i supposed to talk to them about? My family? My background? My beliefs? My incomprehensible gifts? No, It is all so taboo to me because I am looking for acceptance and understanding. People, people in general won't understand what I am going through. AND I can't afford people looking at me as though I am a nutcase. Or with pity.
I have people, whom i spend almost a decade with; my hopes, memories, happiness, confides and sorrows with,leaving me because they couldn't accept me - what hope there are for other people in general? It is scary and no,I don't trust anyone but myself. I'm sorrry if I seemed like a closed book most of the times; It is not personal but I am just protecting myself =)
There is no point to this entry - just a need to type and to let some emotions flow out of my body. I'm gonna be okay, just like what I always tell my own reflection each day.
On another note:
''If there's a crisis, you don't freeze, you move forward. You get the rest of us to move forward. Because you've seen worse. You've survived worse, and you know we'll survive too. You say you're all dark and twisty. It's not a flaw, it's a strength. It makes you who you are. I'm not gonna get down on one knee, I'm not gonna ask a question. I love you Meredith Grey, and I wanna spend the rest of my life, with you.
- If i ever find my soulmate, I will imagine him saying this line to me if he propose to me.. a line i gotten from grey's anatomy which causes all the hair on my arms to stand because only then I will know he has truly seen me not from the surface, but also deep into my eyes.
Excuse my emo-ness tonight. Hey, my blog, my say ok?
Night bloggers.
Jul 23, 2009
The mirror is the key to our answers ...
Looking for a good life partner? Be a good person first, "[In the nature of things,] corrupt women are for corrupt men, and corrupt men, for corrupt women – just as good women are for good men, and good men, for good women...." (The Quran, 24:26) -- Complaining about our life partner? Mirror ourselve first :)
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