Time check is 2am and I haven't really gotten to bed even though I am really exhausted. I am not sure who is reading this on-off dead blog of mine but tonight, I am gonna pretend that no one is reading because I have something to confide [alittle]to this blog of mine. [sigh]
Nothing is wrong here but i kinda feel the end year blues is creeping up on me slowly, waiting to ambush me when I least expects her arrival. And i hate it. I hate spending happy festivals with people - it kinda make my mind go blank, perhaps a reaction to avoid feeling happy during these moments, I'm not sure but I dread this feeling.
I admit i have trust issues - so deep that I can't really meet new people and letting them to know me. The real me. Because, what am i supposed to talk to them about? My family? My background? My beliefs? My incomprehensible gifts? No, It is all so taboo to me because I am looking for acceptance and understanding. People, people in general won't understand what I am going through. AND I can't afford people looking at me as though I am a nutcase. Or with pity.
I have people, whom i spend almost a decade with; my hopes, memories, happiness, confides and sorrows with,leaving me because they couldn't accept me - what hope there are for other people in general? It is scary and no,I don't trust anyone but myself. I'm sorrry if I seemed like a closed book most of the times; It is not personal but I am just protecting myself =)
There is no point to this entry - just a need to type and to let some emotions flow out of my body. I'm gonna be okay, just like what I always tell my own reflection each day.
On another note:
''If there's a crisis, you don't freeze, you move forward. You get the rest of us to move forward. Because you've seen worse. You've survived worse, and you know we'll survive too. You say you're all dark and twisty. It's not a flaw, it's a strength. It makes you who you are. I'm not gonna get down on one knee, I'm not gonna ask a question. I love you Meredith Grey, and I wanna spend the rest of my life, with you.
- If i ever find my soulmate, I will imagine him saying this line to me if he propose to me.. a line i gotten from grey's anatomy which causes all the hair on my arms to stand because only then I will know he has truly seen me not from the surface, but also deep into my eyes.
Excuse my emo-ness tonight. Hey, my blog, my say ok?
Night bloggers.
